Becoming a Father: The Man Who Is Born When a Child Is Born

Patrescence is the process of psychological, hormonal and social transformation a man experiences when becoming a father. Although the term is less well known than its female equivalent — matrescence — neuroscientific research from the last decade has demonstrated that a father's brain also reorganises after the birth of a child. Studies published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (2014) by researcher Ruth Feldman revealed that fathers actively involved in caregiving experience changes in the amygdala and mentalisation networks similar to those of mothers. The man who is born when a child is born is not a metaphor: it is a neurobiological fact.

Overview: what changes in a man when he becomes a father

Why don't men talk about the crisis of fatherhood?

Because culture has not given them permission. The traditional model of masculinity establishes that a father must be a provider, strong and emotionally stable. When a child is born and emotions like fear, insecurity or the feeling of not knowing what to do appear, men lack the vocabulary to name them and the spaces in which to express them.

Daniel Stern, a pioneering psychoanalyst in perinatal psychology, described how mothers have a "maternal constellation" — a network of cultural references, conversations and models — that prepares them (however imperfectly) for their new role. Fathers, by contrast, arrive at parenthood with a referential void: their own fathers probably did not talk about emotions, their friends do not talk about vulnerability, and society expects them to "be fine" and "be supportive."

What hormonal changes does a father experience?

Science has demonstrated that fathers who live with the baby and actively participate in caregiving experience:

• Testosterone drop: between 25% and 33%, according to a longitudinal study from Northwestern University (2011). This decrease reduces aggression and impulsiveness, facilitating caregiving behaviour.
• Oxytocin increase: the bonding hormone rises when the father plays with, holds or has skin-to-skin contact with the baby.
• Prolactin increase: associated with paternal sensitivity and response to the baby's crying.
• Cortisol elevation: in the first weeks, the stress of the new role activates the HPA axis, generating anxiety that men may not know how to identify.

These changes are adaptive: the man's body transforms itself to care. But hormonal transformation without emotional support can generate irritability, withdrawal or paternal depression.

Does postpartum depression exist in men?

Yes. A meta-analysis published in JAMA (2010) estimated that between 8% and 10% of fathers experience postpartum depression, with a peak between three and six months after birth. The symptoms differ from female ones: instead of sadness and crying, men tend to display irritability, isolation, increased alcohol consumption, workaholism or emotional disconnection from partner and baby.

The problem is that these symptoms are rarely identified as depression. The man who works more hours is "being responsible." The one who gets angrier is "stressed." The one who withdraws "needs his space." But behind those behaviours there may be unnamed suffering.

How does patrescence affect the couple relationship?

Esther Perel notes that the transition to parenthood is "the moment when a couple discovers whether they have a team or two individuals sharing a mortgage." The most frequent conflicts are:

1. The father feels excluded: the mother-baby dyad can generate a sense of exclusion in the man that he cannot articulate. Instead of saying "I feel left out," he acts by withdrawing.
2. The mother expects initiative: not "how can I help?" but anticipating, planning and executing without needing instructions.
3. The couple disappears: all energy goes to the baby and the relationship becomes a logistical partnership.
4. Sexual desire falls out of sync: she needs physical and emotional recovery; he may interpret the lack of desire as personal rejection.

How to build conscious fatherhood

1. Name what you feel: "I am afraid of not knowing how to do this" is not weakness; it is the first step of the emotional intelligence your child will need to learn from you.
2. Participate from day one: every bottle, every bath, every sleepless night creates neural connections — in you and in the baby — that cannot be built later.
3. Talk to your partner from vulnerability: at LetsShine.app we call this "opening the emotional door." Do not wait for frustration to become an explosion.
4. Seek real models: talk with other fathers about the hard parts, not just the beautiful ones. Shame dissolves in honest conversation.
5. Seek professional help if you need it: paternal depression is treatable, but first it must be recognised.

What kind of father do you want to be?

This question is not answered with an inherited model but by actively constructing one. Men of this generation have the historic opportunity to break with the emotionally absent father and create a bond with their children based on presence, tenderness and communication.

You do not need all the answers. You need to be present. And being present starts with recognising that you, too, are in transformation.

Frequently asked questions

What is patrescence?

It is the psychological, hormonal and neurobiological transformation a man experiences when becoming a father. It includes changes in testosterone, oxytocin and prolactin levels, as well as an identity reorganisation that many men experience in silence due to a lack of cultural references.

Is it normal to feel lost when becoming a father for the first time?

Completely. Disorientation, fear of not knowing how to care for the baby and the feeling of having lost your former life are universal experiences. It would be unusual not to feel anything in the face of such a radical change.

Do fathers also suffer postpartum depression?

Yes. Between 8% and 10% of fathers develop postpartum depression, with symptoms including irritability, isolation, increased alcohol consumption or overwork. The peak occurs between three and six months after birth.

How can I support my partner without losing myself?

Recognise that both of you are in transition. Communicate what you feel without waiting to explode. Actively participate in baby care. And set aside moments — however brief — to nurture the couple relationship, not just the family logistics.

Are the father's hormonal changes real or exaggerated?

They are real and documented in studies from universities including Northwestern, Cambridge and Bar-Ilan. The drop in testosterone and the rise in oxytocin are adaptive responses of the male body to facilitate caregiving and bonding with the baby.