Asexuality in Relationships: Perfectly Valid, Often Misunderstood

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterised by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward other people. It is not a disorder, not a phase, not a result of trauma, and not a problem to be fixed. The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) and a growing body of academic research — including the foundational work of Anthony Bogaert, author of Understanding Asexuality — place asexuality firmly on the spectrum of normal human sexual orientation. Estimates suggest that approximately 1% of the population identifies as asexual, though the actual number may be higher given the widespread lack of awareness and persistent social stigma.

What Does the Asexual Spectrum Look Like?

Asexuality is not a monolith. The asexual spectrum (or "ace spectrum") includes a range of identities:

• Asexual: experiences little or no sexual attraction.
• Grey-asexual (grey-ace): experiences sexual attraction rarely or only under specific circumstances.
• Demisexual: experiences sexual attraction only after forming a deep emotional bond.
• Aromantic asexual: experiences neither sexual nor romantic attraction.
• Romantic asexual: does not experience sexual attraction but does experience romantic attraction (can be heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, etc.).

Understanding the spectrum is essential because it dismantles the binary of "wants sex" vs "doesn't want sex" and reveals the rich diversity of human intimate experience.

How Does Asexuality Affect Romantic Relationships?

Many asexual people desire deep, committed, loving partnerships. The difference is that the bond is not anchored in sexual attraction. For mixed-orientation couples — where one partner is asexual and the other is not — the challenge is real but not insurmountable.

Sue Johnson's attachment framework is helpful here: the core human need is not sex, but connection, safety, and the assurance that you matter. When both partners can meet those needs — through emotional intimacy, physical affection, shared meaning — the relationship can thrive.

Research by Brotto and Yule (2017) published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that asexual individuals in relationships report similar levels of relationship satisfaction as sexual individuals, provided there is open communication about needs and boundaries.

What Challenges Do Mixed-Orientation Couples Face?

The most common challenges include:

1. The sexual partner feeling undesired: this triggers an attachment wound. The key is understanding that the asexual partner's lack of sexual attraction is not a rejection — it is simply how they are wired.
2. The asexual partner feeling pressured: repeated requests for sex can feel like their identity is not being respected.
3. Navigating compromise: some mixed couples agree on occasional sexual activity, others explore non-sexual forms of physical connection, and some negotiate open arrangements. There is no one-size-fits-all solution.
4. External pressure: well-meaning friends, family, or even therapists who frame asexuality as a "problem" can undermine the couple's confidence in their own arrangement.

How Do You Build Intimacy Without Sexual Attraction?

Emily Nagoski's work reminds us that intimacy is far broader than sex. Couples on the ace spectrum often develop deeply rich intimate lives through:

• Emotional vulnerability: sharing fears, dreams, and inner worlds.
• Sensory connection: cuddling, holding hands, sleeping intertwined — touch that is affectionate rather than sexual.
• Shared rituals: cooking together, evening walks, a morning coffee routine.
• Intellectual intimacy: deep conversations, shared learning, exploring ideas together.
• Acts of care: daily gestures that communicate "you matter to me."

What If You Suspect You Might Be Asexual?

If you have always felt "different" about sex — wondering why everyone else seems so interested, feeling disconnected during sexual encounters, or simply never experiencing the "spark" that culture promises — you may be somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Some questions that can help clarify:

• Do I experience sexual attraction, or do I mostly experience aesthetic or romantic attraction?
• When I engage in sexual activity, is it because I genuinely want to, or because I feel I "should"?
• Do I feel relieved when sex is off the table?

There is no test that can tell you your orientation — only your own experience over time. Resources like AVEN and books like Bogaert's Understanding Asexuality or Angela Chen's Ace can be valuable companions in the exploration.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can asexual people fall in love? Absolutely. Asexuality is about sexual attraction, not romantic attraction. Many asexual people experience deep, passionate romantic love.

Is asexuality a medical condition? No. The DSM-5 explicitly excludes asexual self-identification from the diagnosis of Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD). It is an orientation, not a dysfunction.

Can a relationship survive if one partner is asexual and the other is not? Yes, with open communication, mutual respect, and creative approaches to intimacy. Many mixed-orientation couples report fulfilling, lasting relationships.

Should I "come out" as asexual to my partner? If you are in a relationship, honesty about your experience is essential for the health of the bond. Framing it as sharing your truth ("This is how I experience attraction") rather than delivering bad news can make the conversation more constructive.

Where can I find support? AVEN (asexuality.org) is a leading community. For couples navigating mixed orientations, EFT therapy is highly effective at addressing the attachment dynamics, and platforms like LetsShine.app can facilitate the initial conversations about needs and boundaries.